I just added pics of my brother from the last year of his life to the post before this one.
Someday I may write a book and I'll entitle it "Grief: 2 decades later" (which is actually the title of my post a few back). I had often thought of writing a book... that is why I started this blog. But I didn't know I would be really living the grief as if it happened last week. I've never mourned like this before. Would my childlike faith have sustained me if I had grieved the death of my big brother at the age of 8... who had just barely escaped death herself? God would have protected me... and he did: by the protective barrier (can't think of the correct neurological term right now) around my brain until I could handle it. But handle it? I wasn't handling it to well though. The pain is real, but I'm moving forward through the grief stages. (I'm also highly medicated so that I can move forward.) Someday I will write about all my questions regarding God's grace being sufficient, but I really just want to say that I don't understand a lot, but I am choosing to cling to God. To be completely and utterly honest on this blog is not something I'm ready to... I just started doing it with God. But seriously... I have questions. And its ok... it is OK to have questions! And it is OK to grieve! even if it is 2 decades later! My big brother is gone... I have been deprived of growing up with my only (blood) sibling. My brain is (still) damaged, changing the course of my future. This is a lot for me to accept and take to God and say: "I don't like it... but I trust you." This is not an easy choice, but I make it.
"If we are to honor God by trusting Him, and if we are to find peace for ourselves,
we must come to the place where we can honestly say, 'God, I do not have to
understand. I will just trust you.' " Jerry Bridges
Someday I may write a book and I'll entitle it "Grief: 2 decades later" (which is actually the title of my post a few back). I had often thought of writing a book... that is why I started this blog. But I didn't know I would be really living the grief as if it happened last week. I've never mourned like this before. Would my childlike faith have sustained me if I had grieved the death of my big brother at the age of 8... who had just barely escaped death herself? God would have protected me... and he did: by the protective barrier (can't think of the correct neurological term right now) around my brain until I could handle it. But handle it? I wasn't handling it to well though. The pain is real, but I'm moving forward through the grief stages. (I'm also highly medicated so that I can move forward.) Someday I will write about all my questions regarding God's grace being sufficient, but I really just want to say that I don't understand a lot, but I am choosing to cling to God. To be completely and utterly honest on this blog is not something I'm ready to... I just started doing it with God. But seriously... I have questions. And its ok... it is OK to have questions! And it is OK to grieve! even if it is 2 decades later! My big brother is gone... I have been deprived of growing up with my only (blood) sibling. My brain is (still) damaged, changing the course of my future. This is a lot for me to accept and take to God and say: "I don't like it... but I trust you." This is not an easy choice, but I make it.
"If we are to honor God by trusting Him, and if we are to find peace for ourselves,
we must come to the place where we can honestly say, 'God, I do not have to
understand. I will just trust you.' " Jerry Bridges
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