I had a brother

I had a brother. I really did. This is Matthew Richard Yates... his 10 year and 11 month life on earth should be recognized/ acknowledged.

These pictures are probably from 1989 or/and 1990 (the last year of Matt's earthly life). That's MY brother! and we should have grown up together... we should have. But God called him home sooner than anyone would have imagined.   

The one on the left is me with my brother Matthew, my mom, and my Grandma Elaine who lived to the age of 89 (just passed away last June 2010). Grieving her loss on Christmas day (combined with the reality of my head injury) triggered this enormous loss of my fun-loving tease of a brother Matt. 

hope for healing

"Everywhere a greater joy is preceded by a greater suffering"~ Augustine
      (quoted in Philip Yancey's: Where is God When it Hurts).

I know it seems like I am not making progress... but yesterday I did! And as I was "above water," I caught a glimpse of my Savior's glory / this lump of clay caught a glimpse of her Potter's face.  I wish I could find a way to just embed an audio clip here of the song  that my heart was able to worship to in freedom and JOY.  (Perhaps I'll find it on youtube.)  Kerrie Roberts: Savior to Me (Sing Glory)

There is hope... for me... and for you.  My main problem has been that my circumstances won't change... oh but there is HOPE... hope of the Joy and the peace from Christ that will be mine in the midst of my losses.  I am coming to KNOW God in a deeper way...

I know this whole page here is full of complaining about drowning etc... but I don't want Christians to feel that we cant go to God with our hurts and be real.  (We should even be able to go to each other... but thats another matter.)  It is not comfortable for me to complain to a God who is so perfect... but I am learning through "God's Healing for Life's Losses" that complaining TO God is the biblical stage of grief to replace the stage of  anger.  But I must go TO Him with the pain instead of accusing Him or denying His character. 

King David's "drowning" lament

  This blog is not about me... that was never the intention from the beginning.  I know that lately it has been about me, but perhaps as you journey with me through this pain, you will discover with me the joy of healing and experience with me a new level of faith and trust in the Faithful One, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who promises that He is with me, even when I don't feel Him. 

I am in "acute grief" and in need of intense therapy. Grief over a tragedy that occured over 20 years ago is not easily dealt with I'm sure... but there is hope.  So enough about me....

I was looking for a lament passage today and discovered Psalm 69:  David's honesty before God about his own "drowning" experience (he probably had several) .  I think I look too quickly over these passages until I find myself wanting to cry out those same words to God.  (And it is hard to be honest with God.)  Ok... so just listen to David (known as the "man after God's own heart"):
"Save me, O God, for the waters have threatened my life. I have sunk in deep mire, and there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and a flood overflows me. I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched; my eyes fail while I wait for my God... But as for me, my prayer is to You, O Lord, at an acceptable time; O God, in the greatness of Your lovingkindness, answer me with Your saving truth. Deliver me from the mire and do not let me sink; may I be delivered from my foes and from the deep waters... Answer me, O Lord, for Your lovingkindness is good; according to the greatness of Your compassion, turn to me, and do not hide Your face from your servant, for I am in distress; answer me quickly." (Psalm 69:1-3,13-14)

Grief is hard

This picture should explain my drowning posts for those who were confused.... I was referring to Matthew 14:22-33.
From Michael W. Smith's song: "Help is on the Way":    He said He'd help you, just reach out and take His hand... His arm is long enough to reach you where you are.


As my body and my brain seem to be shutting down with all the grief and my ability to function is even more limited... I have to keep reaching out to Jesus because I seem to be continually drowning.  But this is not so easy to do.  But supposedly God only gives us what we can bear (with His help)... its just kind of a lot right now.

grief... two decades later

An eight year old girl's brain (even a whole one) cannot grieve the enormity of loss that occurred at 4:30pm Friday July 6th 1990. So here I am... grieving my big brother and a healthy whole brain.  Grieving for that future that could have been if God had only... but He didn't... and I will CHOOSE to still trust Him.  I want to copy down some of Steven Curtis Chapman's lyrics from his album that emerged from his grief over the loss of his little girl. He expresses the honesty of his grief and unswerving faith in God so well... I can so relate:

"This is not how it should be... this is not how it could be... but this is how it is... and our God is in control...     This is not how it will be... when we finally will see...we'll see with our own eyes... He was always in control...

And we'll sing Holy, Holy, Holy is our God... and we will finally, really understand what it really means...

So we'll sing Holy, Holy, Holy is our God... while we're waiting for that day... This is not where we planned to be... when we started this journey... but this is where we are... and our God is in control... Though this first taste is bitter... there will be sweetness forever...when we finally taste and see that our God is in control....."

His song "Faithful"  are on the side of this page.  Powerful.

swimming in a different ocean

My pulse quickens, my stomach cramps, my brain "freezes"... what is happening to me?  No one just died.  But yet I have this constant overwhelming feeling of loss.  Grief... not depression... it is grief.  2010 brought many losses my way.  2011 is supposed to be my year I hear.  But there may always be times when I will feel like this.  You see... my brain will not heal like a broken leg.  Sure, I've been living for over 20 years without part of my right frontal lobe, so why am I grieving for it now? I am grieving for the loss of my future.  A life of dependency awaits me... particularly on my parents.  But also doctors, cognitive therapist, counselor therapists (just started on last week), meds to keep me from the mental hospital, and yes... dependency on the other members of the body of Christ. 

And yes, this is rather a new reality for me.  (MRI in May showed volume loss... cognitive therapist informed me in a month ago or so that part of the brain was removed back in 1990 because it was so damaged... diagnosed me with post-concussive syndrome because the traumatic brain injury never went away...)

Every area of my life is affected because there are many skills that the right frontal lobe offers. I am cognitively, psychologically, socially, and physically impaired... leaving me emotionally drowning.
I had high ambitions for my life... an independent spirit, I believed that the Lord was calling me to leave all comforts behind and follow Him into the darkest places of the world... to take His Word and The Gospel to those who aren't blessed to be surrounded by churches and Christians.  I've given up this dream in the last couple years or so... due to constant illnesses. 
But now I am so dependent in every area of my life, I don't even want to leave my parents' home.  (And yes I will be 29 this year.) 

So... when I show a picture of drowning or post something on facebook, etc, it is not merely for attention sake... it is because i am desperate.  Desperate for your encouragement, desperate for Christ's love to live through you,  desperate for God's Word to refresh me, desperate for the strength to be back into His Word and His presence, desperate to stop drowning, or even treading water, desperate to swim... even though the waters that I swim in are vastly different  than what I had always thought they would be.

And when I start drowning again...

                                                      would someone(s) please throw me a life line? 

Drowning

My dad asked me this morning if I feel like I'm drowning.  I answered, "Sometimes."  Sometimes has been the norm recently. 

I've been writing this blog as an encouragement to those who are trying to make sense of their trials... now I am need of encouragement.  While I know that I can trust the Potter... the pain is still deep.  I thought of the question that is sometimes asked, "Is God enough, if He is all I have?"  God IS enough, but not if I am not experiencing His love and presence... and this is my own fault.  I am so overwhelmed by my dismal future, I am not reaching out to take His hand and His peace that He wants to provide. 

I am letting myself drown. 

I need help from my brothers and SISTERS to find the strength and the will to reach out to Jesus instead of focusing on the storm as the waves surround me.  I need to focus back on Him, but I'm so engulfed by circumstances that I need HELP to get above water. 

honesty/ "stupid"

stupid stupid stupid... and yes I am allowed to say that on this "spiritual" blog because it is my blog.  I am angry.  Stupid car wreck.  Stupid TBI that never went away.  Stupid death of brother.  Stupid day of July 6th, 1990. 
And its stupid that no one reads this blog.