Drowning

My dad asked me this morning if I feel like I'm drowning.  I answered, "Sometimes."  Sometimes has been the norm recently. 

I've been writing this blog as an encouragement to those who are trying to make sense of their trials... now I am need of encouragement.  While I know that I can trust the Potter... the pain is still deep.  I thought of the question that is sometimes asked, "Is God enough, if He is all I have?"  God IS enough, but not if I am not experiencing His love and presence... and this is my own fault.  I am so overwhelmed by my dismal future, I am not reaching out to take His hand and His peace that He wants to provide. 

I am letting myself drown. 

I need help from my brothers and SISTERS to find the strength and the will to reach out to Jesus instead of focusing on the storm as the waves surround me.  I need to focus back on Him, but I'm so engulfed by circumstances that I need HELP to get above water. 

honesty/ "stupid"

stupid stupid stupid... and yes I am allowed to say that on this "spiritual" blog because it is my blog.  I am angry.  Stupid car wreck.  Stupid TBI that never went away.  Stupid death of brother.  Stupid day of July 6th, 1990. 
And its stupid that no one reads this blog.

Return to the Potter's heart : part 2

Jeremiah 29:11 is not about me.  The focus is not even the Israelites.
The focus is completely on God and His gracious loving heart.  A heart full of compassion. So forgiving.  

I read chapter 29 in Jeremiah with fresh eyes a few weeks ago.  I've grown up with this verse (it was one of my grandma's favorites).  But I saw the verse from a whole different angle this time.  And it really is necessary that verses 12 and 13 are read with Jeremiah 29:11 and also must be read in the context of the preceding verse, (preferably the whole book).  I can read this following passage with the focus on me or I can read it with the focus on God.  And from reading through Isaiah and the majority of Jeremiah, the focus definitely needs to stay on God.  Listen to God's heart as He makes this incredible promise to His people who will return from being exiled (which was a result of Israel's continual sin and adultery/betrayal of their God, the one true God who has blessed them and pursued them for generations):
                      "For thus says the Lord, 'When seventy years have been completed
                       for Babylon, I will visit you and fulfill and fulfill My good word to you,
                       to bring you back to this place.  For I know the plans that I have for
                       you,' declares the Lord, 'plans for welfare and not for calamity to give
                       you a future and a hope.  Then you will call upon Me and come and
                       pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek Me and find Me
                       search for Me with all your heart. I will be found by you..."   

That floored me.  Incredible promise yes.  Applicable to me/us? Definitely.
But when I put the focus on God, His heart, and His character... He reveals more of Himself to Me, which propels me into a deeper desire and passion to seek Him... with all my heart.

Return to the Potter's heart

    The common illustration is goldmining: it takes a lot of digging, but the gold is worth it!
    This may not be the most relevant example, but I want to compare that to God's Word.  I've been reading Isaiah and Jeremiah regularly these past few months.  No, they are not easy reads.  There are a LOT of passages about God's judgement against Israel and Judah that are not fun to read.  (They don't make me feel all warm and happy inside.)  It was when I took a module class on the prophetic books in Bible college that I really fell in love with these hard to read books.  Why?  Because I fell in love with God... with His heart.  You must be asking,  "His heart? Of judgement and anger?? What are you talking about?  This is not a God that I want to love!"  And its ok to ask those questions and to have those feelings... if we are all honest, it is hard to love a  God who says things like, "I will winnow them with a winnowing fork at the gates of the land; I will bereave them of children, I will destroy My people; they did not repent of their ways," (Jeremiah 15:7).  
   But, this is not the whole story.  Not at all.  There are so many pages I could write on what the Lord has been showing me and teaching me in these two prophetic books.  So... I will try to be concise because this is not a book, this is a blog... and this only a post. 
   God's heart: crying out for His people.  Please... lets not miss this.  Lets not miss His heart.  His breaking heart.  An example: "Is Ephraim [another name for Israel/Judah] My dear son?... Indeed, as often I have spoken against him, I certainly still remember him; Therefore My heart yearns for him..."  (Jeremiah 31:20).  Wow!  His heart yearns for the very people who have rejected Him, "They have forsken Me, the fountain of living waters, to hew for themselves cisterns, broken cisterns that can hold no water," (Jeremiah 2:13). 
  I haven't even gotten to the passage that I reached a few days ago that led me to tears.  But I am going to stop for now and pick up where I left off when I return from my ladie's retreat.  Think on this:  yes, God hates sin, but His heart is so full of love for you to run into His arms, rest in His embrace, enjoy His presence, and walk with Him.

No more easy way

I'm nervous.  I feel that Lord wants me to share a blog post, but I've been stalling (by trying to fix up the design of my blog).   Why am I nervous?  Because the Lord has shown me something powerful through His word and I don't know if I will communicate it clearly (and somewhat concisely).  I have been taking the "easy" way out by quoting other people on this blog because I didn't have anything "fresh" from the Lord.  (By the way: the quotes from Jerry Bridges are on the "pages" section near the bottom of this blog under Trusting God even when life hurts.)  I just don't know if this is the right time to write... 

important blog "commercial"

I haven't written this past month.  I have however been following a couple blogs that are sobering to my soul and challenging to my spirit.  In danger of being some sort of commercial, I will still list them here: http://bowensheart.com/ and http://ourblessedhope.blogspot.com/.  I have already posted some excerpts from Bowen's heart. The story of Bowen is widely known and followed, particularly in the Christian circle. The other blog is written by a friend from my high school youth group (from when I lived in Dallas, TX).  She just lost her baby girl (just a couple days after delivery).   The emotions and questions that these two sets of parents are facing are intense.  It is clear that it is in these times that God develops our faith to deeper levels.  I have learned much from reading their thoughts... hold on... let me find a quote from Matt (Bowen's dad and lead singer for the band Sanctus Real)....

Ever since we found out that Bowen was sick I’ve been asking a lot of life’s most difficult questions and seeking out the answers. Looking back from this point in my life, I don’t know that I was ever digging very deep in my faith. What’s interesting is that I thought I was. This struggle has awakened my heart and mind in ways that I never thought possible.

God's promise and my anger collide

So, I don't know if there is anyone else out there that has read just the right scripture at the right time that ministered so completely to the spirit's need.  A fresh passage. God's word spoken right to His beloved child. This was s how it was with me yesterday morning.

"And the Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire in scorched places, and give strength to your bones; and you will be like a watered garden, and like a spring of water whose waters do not fail."
Isaiah 58:11

Wow.  If only you knew how desperately my weary spirit needed to hear that.

However... to fully experience God's rest, I had to surrender what was keeping me from it.
Anger. Disappointment. Bitterness even.  I had let those emotions master me for a time.  I had to consciously choose  to surrender all of that over to God and let forgiveness take its place. Where there once was overwhelmingly intensity... now there is peace.

clay in progress

Whew!! What an intense week and a half!! So much to write about but I couldn't with all the intense emotions going on while I was in the midst of it all.

I just read this  a few minutes ago on a blog that I'm following:

Who can delight in a work in progress, except for it’s creator, who clearly sees the vision of what it will become?
-Matt (from the band Sanctus Real)
http://bowensheart.com/2010/09/28/9-28-10-gods-wide-angle-lens/

Just Rest

Just rest my child... just rest.  Rest in me.  Trust in me that I know what I am doing. Trust in my heart of love that is working for your good.  Just rest.  Abide in Me.  I will strengthen you.  I will be with you.  I will comfort you.  You will bring glory to me as you rest and trust in Me and in My unfailing love.

are you sure, God?

Today I am not happy being clay.  As I prepared to teach Sunday school to four year olds I became so frustrated.  Here I am with degrees from two Bible colleges, daughter of a well-respected seminary Bible professor, with third world missionary goals and aspirations.  Yet here I am reading Sunday school curriculum on God making each child "special," when what I really want to do is share Christ's love and the Gospel to the lost (specifically Muslim women).  What happened here?? Hello?  God, do you see this?  Clearly, this is where God wants me right now (due to health issues), but yet the questions still come.  And I don't think I'm alone in these questions.  In fact these were the type of questions that were asked to God in the time of Isaiah.  And as in the case with Job, His answer was not very gentle, but the directness is oh so necessary:
         "Woe to the one who quarrels with his Maker- an earthernware vessel among the vessels of earth!  Will the clay say to the potter, 'What are you doing?' or the thing you are making say, 'He has no hands'? Woe to him who says to a father, 'What are you begetting?' or to a woman, 'To what are you giving birth?'.... It is I who made the earth, and created man upon it. I stretched out the heavens with My hands and ordained all their host."  Isaiah 45:9,10,12
And the apostle Paul, in a similar fashion, perhaps reflecting on this Old Testament passage, writes in Romans 9:20-21...
On the contrary, who are you, O man, who answers back to God? The thing molded will not say to the molder, 'Why did you make me like this,' will it? Or does not the potter have a right over the clay, to make from the same lump one vessel for honorable use and another for common use?

Consider me now put in my place.  I may be clay, but I'm "special" clay in the hands of a powerful-trustworthy- loving-wise-capable Potter with a Father's heart.

"Holding You"

Where will you find peace when you cry?
In these hard times
it’s not in what you hold on to
It’s in the One who’s holding you tonight
You are safe in the arms of The Father

Matt Hammitt (from Sacred Real)
http://bowensheart.com/2010/09/12/bowens-first-surgery/

Our Father

I must write a post  for those who see God as distant and impersonal... if you are asking: "How can I get to know God, this Potter?"  God made a way! Jesus is the Way, the Truth, and the Life (John 14:6)! God sent His very own Son, sent Him to earth as a human to die for our sins- your sins- making the only way that we could  have a relationship with Him, our Heavenly Father.  "But as many as received Him (Jesus), to them He gave the right to become children of God, even to those who believe in His name," (John 1:12). 

Wow! So, He's not some distant impersonal potter, molding us however He feels like it whether it is for our good or not.  He is our Father if we have accepted His Son Jesus as our Savior.  And though we are the clay, we also must keep in mind that we are His children.  

God's incredible love and his immense wisdom

Like a shepherd He will tend His flock, in His arm He will gather the lambs and carry them in His bosom; He will gently lead the nursing ewes.  Isaiah 40:11


But now, thus says the Lord, your Creator, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel, "Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they will not overflow you.  When you walk through the fire, you will not be scorched, nor will the flame burn you."  Isaiah 43:1-2

Who has measured the waters in the hollow of His hand, and marked off the heavens by the span, and calculated the dust of the earth by the measure, and weighed the mountains in a balance and the hills in a pair of scales? Isaiah 40:12

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
nor are your ways My ways," declares the Lord.
"For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My  thoughts than your thoughts."
Isaiah 55:8

A valid question

 ...some may ask: "Who is this Potter?"  And if you don't know the Potter, how can you even start to ask the question: "Why should I trust myself into His hands?"                
  

He is God

That's who He is and precisely why we should trust Him.

A Preamble

There I went down to the potter's house, and there he was, making something on the wheel. But the vessel that he was making of clay was spoiled in the hand of the potter; so he remade it into another vessel, as it pleased the potter to make. Then the word of the Lord came to me saying, "Can I not, O house of Israel, deal with you as this potter does?" declares the Lord. "Behold, like clay in the potter's hand, so are you in My hand."  Jeremiah 18:3-6


 
In thinking about what to write for this blog, at first my thoughts were primarily about the "clay".  You and I, tossed about between God's powerful hands as He makes us into who He wants us to be.  Which yes, is to be like His Son (Rom 8:29); but yet the process is painful as we are pressed, pulled, broken, reconstructed again and again.  Broken relationships... Deaths... loneliness... mistreatment... sickness...the list goes on...

However...
I think this was the wrong place for me to begin my reflections.  This is not about me.  This is not about the clay. 

The Potter...  It is with the Potter that I must begin.... it is where we all must begin...