Thankful... and bazooka gum

1989: Matt 10, Me 7

Doesn't Matt look protective of me?

 I am thankful... thankful Matt was my brother for my first 8 years 2 months and nearly 1 week of life.  I am now 28... and I look back on a tragedy that was traumatic yes... but I trust a God (the only God) who has proven Himself throughout history as one who is worthy of being trusted.  And I hold onto hope... hope for my emotional healing, hope for a future not wrought in failure and despair, hope to come through with a "faith that can walk in the dark" (Dr. Kellemen), and hope of joining my brother Matt in Heaven when the Lord determines that my time and service on earth is through.
My mom just picked up a new CD today and I heard these lyrics in the last track:
         
           "Knowin' what I know about heaven... believin' that you're all the way home...
            knowin' that you're somewhere better... is all I need to let you go... 
            I could hope that I could pray you back... but why on earth would I do that... 
   when you're somewhere life and love never ends.. oh, knowin' what I know about heaven" 
                                                                                                           (Guy Penrod)

        I wonder how many trees in heaven he's climbed ...or sports games he's played... bazooka gum... swimming pools... water slides... camping and hiking trips... sledding and biking hills... the list goes on.  But you know what?  Heaven is so much better than the best things on earth can even compare to.  Matt's probably so caught up in singing to Jesus that he hasn't even missed all those boyhood thrills from over two decades over.

And so I let him go... as I hold on to and cherish our childhood memories. 

The reality of the wreck

I just added pics of my brother from the last year of his life to the post before this one.

Someday I may write a book and I'll entitle it "Grief: 2 decades later" (which is actually the title of my post a few back).  I had often thought of writing a book... that is why I started this blog.  But I didn't know I would be really living the grief as if it happened last week.  I've never mourned like this before.  Would my childlike faith have sustained me if I had grieved the death of my big brother at the age of 8... who had just barely escaped death herself?  God would have protected me... and he did: by the protective barrier (can't think of the correct neurological term right now) around my brain until I could handle it.  But handle it? I wasn't handling it to well though.  The pain is real, but I'm moving forward through the grief stages.  (I'm also highly medicated so that I can move forward.)  Someday I will write about all my questions regarding God's grace being sufficient, but I really just want to say that I don't understand a lot, but I am choosing to cling to God.  To be completely and utterly honest on this blog is not something I'm ready to... I just started doing it with God.  But seriously... I have questions.  And its ok... it is OK to have questions!  And it is OK to grieve! even if it is 2 decades later!  My big brother is gone... I have been deprived of growing up with my only (blood) sibling.  My brain is (still) damaged, changing the course of my future.  This is a lot for me to accept and take to God and say: "I don't like it... but I trust you."  This is not an easy choice, but I make it.

              "If we are to honor God by trusting Him, and if we are to find peace for ourselves,
               we must come to the place where we can honestly say, 'God, I do not have to 
               understand. I will just trust you.' " Jerry Bridges

I had a brother

I had a brother. I really did. This is Matthew Richard Yates... his 10 year and 11 month life on earth should be recognized/ acknowledged.

These pictures are probably from 1989 or/and 1990 (the last year of Matt's earthly life). That's MY brother! and we should have grown up together... we should have. But God called him home sooner than anyone would have imagined.   

The one on the left is me with my brother Matthew, my mom, and my Grandma Elaine who lived to the age of 89 (just passed away last June 2010). Grieving her loss on Christmas day (combined with the reality of my head injury) triggered this enormous loss of my fun-loving tease of a brother Matt. 

hope for healing

"Everywhere a greater joy is preceded by a greater suffering"~ Augustine
      (quoted in Philip Yancey's: Where is God When it Hurts).

I know it seems like I am not making progress... but yesterday I did! And as I was "above water," I caught a glimpse of my Savior's glory / this lump of clay caught a glimpse of her Potter's face.  I wish I could find a way to just embed an audio clip here of the song  that my heart was able to worship to in freedom and JOY.  (Perhaps I'll find it on youtube.)  Kerrie Roberts: Savior to Me (Sing Glory)

There is hope... for me... and for you.  My main problem has been that my circumstances won't change... oh but there is HOPE... hope of the Joy and the peace from Christ that will be mine in the midst of my losses.  I am coming to KNOW God in a deeper way...

I know this whole page here is full of complaining about drowning etc... but I don't want Christians to feel that we cant go to God with our hurts and be real.  (We should even be able to go to each other... but thats another matter.)  It is not comfortable for me to complain to a God who is so perfect... but I am learning through "God's Healing for Life's Losses" that complaining TO God is the biblical stage of grief to replace the stage of  anger.  But I must go TO Him with the pain instead of accusing Him or denying His character.