how quickly I forget

It's been almost a year... and God has brought me so far.  Healing on so many levels.  And as far as my independence that I thought was simply a mirage (is that the right word?)... well, I now own my own business (founded "Sadie's Senior Services"), registered with the state of Virginia as a LLC.  I am financially able to move out (with a roommate) and am on the waiting list at a Westwind Farms apartment in Ashburn, VA (about 20 min from mom and dad).  (I could use a 5th client though due to the cost of utilities).   Hmm... looks good.  But wow... where last summer I was in awe of how far God had brought me and so thankful for the clients that HE had brought me... I have gotten so wrapped up in it all that I strayed from my first love...the source of these blessings.  It became MY business, MY (future) apartment, even MY money! And of course there was that spending spree in August and September... MY paintingsand decor because it was MY money!  God stopped getting the credit for my success and my focus went to His gifts and away from the Giver. 
I forget that I am a jar of clay (2 Cor 4) and all that is good is from God and for Him... for His glory!  Seriously.   But yet honestly there was a part of me that felt I deserved it all... and I clung to it.  After the grief and anxiety I went through last winter, I felt it was my right.  Well, I'm giving it all back to God.  And as I finally finished Beth Moore's Bible Study "Breaking Free" (that I started last March), I pray that from my brokenness, I will be a "display of His splendor". 

Beauty for ashes

my heart rejoices to the Lord with this song!

Isaiah 61:3

Restoration

Restoration is a beautiful word.  Especially when only God can truly restore.  It has been approximately half a year since the utter brokenness and grief hit me. There were times when I felt so broken, I didn't know how I could possibly be healed.  I remember saying something about how I felt used up.  I was so sick mentally with the grief... I doubted at times if there would be an end to the utter sorrow.  While letting go of Matt was a process that I knew there would eventually be healing from, the grief of my brain injury was something I thought would go on.  My dad had told me that it would get better.  I replied something like, "No it won't! My brain will always be damaged!"  He said something like, "Well, not physically better, but emotionally." I guess this was something I hadn't realized yet.  Sure... I would  need to accept it, but to be content and even joyful?
His Word has proven true:
"For if he causes grief, then He will have compassion according to His abundant lovingkindness." Lam 3:32
  "...weeping may last for the night, but a shout of joy comes in the morning." Psalm 30:5b
   "Those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting." Psalm 126:5

True healing... true joy.  Now if only I could truly find joy in the MIDST of sorrow. And not just to FIND it, but to allow it to continually sustain me.  Allow HIM/ CHRIST to sustain me... because my joy comes from Him, knowing Him.  Jesus Christ bought me with His blood, He sought me and pursues me still.  This should bring me incredible joy no matter what life throws at me.  The hurt is reality, but He walked with me through the darkness of the sorrow and He walks me still through the healing.  He came to bring abundant joy... abundant life, (John 10:10 and John 15:11).  There is true joy after the sorrow.  But would I consider it joy when I encounter trials? (James 1:2). I wonder what this would this look like.

To all who read this:  cling to Him.... don't let go.  He has not abandoned you.  If you can't see Him or feel Him, know that He is there.  Hold onto hope.  He is the great healer, but He has much to teach you in your time of brokenness.  Go to Him with your pain, go to Him with your questions, but don't let go of your faith in Him... His character is true.  He is faithful and He IS good.

my different ocean

I was getting familiar with this new ocean I was learning to swim in... see swimming in a different ocean post.  I was progressing and even enjoyed my cognitive and social/communication skills therapy classes at Brain Injury Services.  I had learned contentment after I accepted my state... and I embarked on the journey to recovery. I have improved, but as I think I had even written in that particular past post, there would be setbacks.  I just wish it hadn't been on my birthday weekend.  Its good though... spiritually speaking.  I just wish my emotions had lined up with the truth of scripture right away.  That would have been more comfortable for me (and also those I interacted with).  But God wants me to remember my dependency on Him.  I'm so in need of His strength, grace, peace... friendship. And He brings all this and more as I wait on Him.  The waiting is what is hard though.

I've been listening to a song over and over from this album that I bought over the weekend: Know Hope.

"Build us Back"

We've been crumbled/ we've been crushed/ the city walls have turned to dust/ Broken hands and blistered feet/ we walk for miles to find relief/
When the thief takes/ when our hopes cave/ you build us back/ you build us back/ We are scared and we are poor/ all our safety nets have torn/ we've been humbled to our knees / from these ruins we believe/ Redeemer/ Redeem us/ Restorer/ Restore us/ Build us back/ Build us back/ Though the mountains be shaken/ The hills be removed/ Your unfailing love remains/ After all that's been taken/ Your promise still sacred/ You build us back with precious stones
(see Psalm 126)

My life and circumstances are not to be equalized to the nightmare of the fall of Israel and then Judah and their captivity into their enemies hands. The books of Lamentations and then Ezra and Nehemiah come alive to me as I think of the Israelites (AKA God's people) crying out to God a prayer that probably was something like this. Utter and complete judgment had come upon them after years and years of warnings through prophets such as Isaiah and Jeremiah. Although my situation is light compared to this, I find my heart crying out to God: "Build me back!"... and He was.  And He is... I just wish it was a continual healing and building without setbacks. I was so broken last winter (as my blog posts indicate)... I long to be restored by the Restorer to the place that is even more complete than before I broke.  I suppose this is what "The Potter's Clay" is all about.... molding, breaking, repairing.  He is allowed to do all this and more because HE IS GOD... and He is beautiful...glorious... eternal... unchanging... so worthy to be trusted with every part of me.... 

shadows - David Crowder

"Life is full of light and shadows. Oh, the joy and oh, the sorrow, oh, the sorrow.  And yet will He bring day from night. And yet will He bring dark to light.  When shadows fall on us, we will not fear, we will remember, When darkness falls on us, we will not fear, we will remember, when all seems lost, When we're thrown we're tossed, we'll remember the cost, We're resting in the shadow of the cross."  

         ~ David Crowder

I'm content

"Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content whatever circumstances I am.  I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity;  in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry,both of having abundance and suffering need.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. " Philippians 4:11-13

I was given this passage to memorize about a month ago by my pastor's wife.  Healing from grief had just taken place, but to be content, truely content, with my circumstances?  Didn't see how that would be possible.  But I can tell you all truely... it was possible because for the past few weeks, I have been... content.  Not only this, but I am actually soaring like an eagle.  Why? Because I waited on God (Isaiah 40:31) ... the pain was real.. but my hope was in a God/THE God who heals.  That is why I "broadcasted" my real ugly pain.  I knew that if you could read my pain, you would know what depths God's grace will reach me.  And I'm telling you, He reached me, and He continues to daily...

His grace is sufficient.... so sufficient. 

Thankful... and bazooka gum

1989: Matt 10, Me 7

Doesn't Matt look protective of me?

 I am thankful... thankful Matt was my brother for my first 8 years 2 months and nearly 1 week of life.  I am now 28... and I look back on a tragedy that was traumatic yes... but I trust a God (the only God) who has proven Himself throughout history as one who is worthy of being trusted.  And I hold onto hope... hope for my emotional healing, hope for a future not wrought in failure and despair, hope to come through with a "faith that can walk in the dark" (Dr. Kellemen), and hope of joining my brother Matt in Heaven when the Lord determines that my time and service on earth is through.
My mom just picked up a new CD today and I heard these lyrics in the last track:
         
           "Knowin' what I know about heaven... believin' that you're all the way home...
            knowin' that you're somewhere better... is all I need to let you go... 
            I could hope that I could pray you back... but why on earth would I do that... 
   when you're somewhere life and love never ends.. oh, knowin' what I know about heaven" 
                                                                                                           (Guy Penrod)

        I wonder how many trees in heaven he's climbed ...or sports games he's played... bazooka gum... swimming pools... water slides... camping and hiking trips... sledding and biking hills... the list goes on.  But you know what?  Heaven is so much better than the best things on earth can even compare to.  Matt's probably so caught up in singing to Jesus that he hasn't even missed all those boyhood thrills from over two decades over.

And so I let him go... as I hold on to and cherish our childhood memories. 

The reality of the wreck

I just added pics of my brother from the last year of his life to the post before this one.

Someday I may write a book and I'll entitle it "Grief: 2 decades later" (which is actually the title of my post a few back).  I had often thought of writing a book... that is why I started this blog.  But I didn't know I would be really living the grief as if it happened last week.  I've never mourned like this before.  Would my childlike faith have sustained me if I had grieved the death of my big brother at the age of 8... who had just barely escaped death herself?  God would have protected me... and he did: by the protective barrier (can't think of the correct neurological term right now) around my brain until I could handle it.  But handle it? I wasn't handling it to well though.  The pain is real, but I'm moving forward through the grief stages.  (I'm also highly medicated so that I can move forward.)  Someday I will write about all my questions regarding God's grace being sufficient, but I really just want to say that I don't understand a lot, but I am choosing to cling to God.  To be completely and utterly honest on this blog is not something I'm ready to... I just started doing it with God.  But seriously... I have questions.  And its ok... it is OK to have questions!  And it is OK to grieve! even if it is 2 decades later!  My big brother is gone... I have been deprived of growing up with my only (blood) sibling.  My brain is (still) damaged, changing the course of my future.  This is a lot for me to accept and take to God and say: "I don't like it... but I trust you."  This is not an easy choice, but I make it.

              "If we are to honor God by trusting Him, and if we are to find peace for ourselves,
               we must come to the place where we can honestly say, 'God, I do not have to 
               understand. I will just trust you.' " Jerry Bridges

I had a brother

I had a brother. I really did. This is Matthew Richard Yates... his 10 year and 11 month life on earth should be recognized/ acknowledged.

These pictures are probably from 1989 or/and 1990 (the last year of Matt's earthly life). That's MY brother! and we should have grown up together... we should have. But God called him home sooner than anyone would have imagined.   

The one on the left is me with my brother Matthew, my mom, and my Grandma Elaine who lived to the age of 89 (just passed away last June 2010). Grieving her loss on Christmas day (combined with the reality of my head injury) triggered this enormous loss of my fun-loving tease of a brother Matt. 

hope for healing

"Everywhere a greater joy is preceded by a greater suffering"~ Augustine
      (quoted in Philip Yancey's: Where is God When it Hurts).

I know it seems like I am not making progress... but yesterday I did! And as I was "above water," I caught a glimpse of my Savior's glory / this lump of clay caught a glimpse of her Potter's face.  I wish I could find a way to just embed an audio clip here of the song  that my heart was able to worship to in freedom and JOY.  (Perhaps I'll find it on youtube.)  Kerrie Roberts: Savior to Me (Sing Glory)

There is hope... for me... and for you.  My main problem has been that my circumstances won't change... oh but there is HOPE... hope of the Joy and the peace from Christ that will be mine in the midst of my losses.  I am coming to KNOW God in a deeper way...

I know this whole page here is full of complaining about drowning etc... but I don't want Christians to feel that we cant go to God with our hurts and be real.  (We should even be able to go to each other... but thats another matter.)  It is not comfortable for me to complain to a God who is so perfect... but I am learning through "God's Healing for Life's Losses" that complaining TO God is the biblical stage of grief to replace the stage of  anger.  But I must go TO Him with the pain instead of accusing Him or denying His character. 

King David's "drowning" lament

  This blog is not about me... that was never the intention from the beginning.  I know that lately it has been about me, but perhaps as you journey with me through this pain, you will discover with me the joy of healing and experience with me a new level of faith and trust in the Faithful One, my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, who promises that He is with me, even when I don't feel Him. 

I am in "acute grief" and in need of intense therapy. Grief over a tragedy that occured over 20 years ago is not easily dealt with I'm sure... but there is hope.  So enough about me....

I was looking for a lament passage today and discovered Psalm 69:  David's honesty before God about his own "drowning" experience (he probably had several) .  I think I look too quickly over these passages until I find myself wanting to cry out those same words to God.  (And it is hard to be honest with God.)  Ok... so just listen to David (known as the "man after God's own heart"):
"Save me, O God, for the waters have threatened my life. I have sunk in deep mire, and there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and a flood overflows me. I am weary with my crying; my throat is parched; my eyes fail while I wait for my God... But as for me, my prayer is to You, O Lord, at an acceptable time; O God, in the greatness of Your lovingkindness, answer me with Your saving truth. Deliver me from the mire and do not let me sink; may I be delivered from my foes and from the deep waters... Answer me, O Lord, for Your lovingkindness is good; according to the greatness of Your compassion, turn to me, and do not hide Your face from your servant, for I am in distress; answer me quickly." (Psalm 69:1-3,13-14)

Grief is hard

This picture should explain my drowning posts for those who were confused.... I was referring to Matthew 14:22-33.
From Michael W. Smith's song: "Help is on the Way":    He said He'd help you, just reach out and take His hand... His arm is long enough to reach you where you are.


As my body and my brain seem to be shutting down with all the grief and my ability to function is even more limited... I have to keep reaching out to Jesus because I seem to be continually drowning.  But this is not so easy to do.  But supposedly God only gives us what we can bear (with His help)... its just kind of a lot right now.

grief... two decades later

An eight year old girl's brain (even a whole one) cannot grieve the enormity of loss that occurred at 4:30pm Friday July 6th 1990. So here I am... grieving my big brother and a healthy whole brain.  Grieving for that future that could have been if God had only... but He didn't... and I will CHOOSE to still trust Him.  I want to copy down some of Steven Curtis Chapman's lyrics from his album that emerged from his grief over the loss of his little girl. He expresses the honesty of his grief and unswerving faith in God so well... I can so relate:

"This is not how it should be... this is not how it could be... but this is how it is... and our God is in control...     This is not how it will be... when we finally will see...we'll see with our own eyes... He was always in control...

And we'll sing Holy, Holy, Holy is our God... and we will finally, really understand what it really means...

So we'll sing Holy, Holy, Holy is our God... while we're waiting for that day... This is not where we planned to be... when we started this journey... but this is where we are... and our God is in control... Though this first taste is bitter... there will be sweetness forever...when we finally taste and see that our God is in control....."

His song "Faithful"  are on the side of this page.  Powerful.

swimming in a different ocean

My pulse quickens, my stomach cramps, my brain "freezes"... what is happening to me?  No one just died.  But yet I have this constant overwhelming feeling of loss.  Grief... not depression... it is grief.  2010 brought many losses my way.  2011 is supposed to be my year I hear.  But there may always be times when I will feel like this.  You see... my brain will not heal like a broken leg.  Sure, I've been living for over 20 years without part of my right frontal lobe, so why am I grieving for it now? I am grieving for the loss of my future.  A life of dependency awaits me... particularly on my parents.  But also doctors, cognitive therapist, counselor therapists (just started on last week), meds to keep me from the mental hospital, and yes... dependency on the other members of the body of Christ. 

And yes, this is rather a new reality for me.  (MRI in May showed volume loss... cognitive therapist informed me in a month ago or so that part of the brain was removed back in 1990 because it was so damaged... diagnosed me with post-concussive syndrome because the traumatic brain injury never went away...)

Every area of my life is affected because there are many skills that the right frontal lobe offers. I am cognitively, psychologically, socially, and physically impaired... leaving me emotionally drowning.
I had high ambitions for my life... an independent spirit, I believed that the Lord was calling me to leave all comforts behind and follow Him into the darkest places of the world... to take His Word and The Gospel to those who aren't blessed to be surrounded by churches and Christians.  I've given up this dream in the last couple years or so... due to constant illnesses. 
But now I am so dependent in every area of my life, I don't even want to leave my parents' home.  (And yes I will be 29 this year.) 

So... when I show a picture of drowning or post something on facebook, etc, it is not merely for attention sake... it is because i am desperate.  Desperate for your encouragement, desperate for Christ's love to live through you,  desperate for God's Word to refresh me, desperate for the strength to be back into His Word and His presence, desperate to stop drowning, or even treading water, desperate to swim... even though the waters that I swim in are vastly different  than what I had always thought they would be.

And when I start drowning again...

                                                      would someone(s) please throw me a life line?