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I hope you are encouraged by this blog... as the Lord leads me so I will write. Trials of life... joys of knowing our Father.


Its hard to be clay... that is why it is so important that we grow in our trust of Him whose hands we are in. It hurts to be shaped and molded... it does. But God is still God and He is still to be trusted.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

swimming in a different ocean

My pulse quickens, my stomach cramps, my brain "freezes"... what is happening to me?  No one just died.  But yet I have this constant overwhelming feeling of loss.  Grief... not depression... it is grief.  2010 brought many losses my way.  2011 is supposed to be my year I hear.  But there may always be times when I will feel like this.  You see... my brain will not heal like a broken leg.  Sure, I've been living for over 20 years without part of my right frontal lobe, so why am I grieving for it now? I am grieving for the loss of my future.  A life of dependency awaits me... particularly on my parents.  But also doctors, cognitive therapist, counselor therapists (just started on last week), meds to keep me from the mental hospital, and yes... dependency on the other members of the body of Christ. 

And yes, this is rather a new reality for me.  (MRI in May showed volume loss... cognitive therapist informed me in a month ago or so that part of the brain was removed back in 1990 because it was so damaged... diagnosed me with post-concussive syndrome because the traumatic brain injury never went away...)

Every area of my life is affected because there are many skills that the right frontal lobe offers. I am cognitively, psychologically, socially, and physically impaired... leaving me emotionally drowning.
I had high ambitions for my life... an independent spirit, I believed that the Lord was calling me to leave all comforts behind and follow Him into the darkest places of the world... to take His Word and The Gospel to those who aren't blessed to be surrounded by churches and Christians.  I've given up this dream in the last couple years or so... due to constant illnesses. 
But now I am so dependent in every area of my life, I don't even want to leave my parents' home.  (And yes I will be 29 this year.) 

So... when I show a picture of drowning or post something on facebook, etc, it is not merely for attention sake... it is because i am desperate.  Desperate for your encouragement, desperate for Christ's love to live through you,  desperate for God's Word to refresh me, desperate for the strength to be back into His Word and His presence, desperate to stop drowning, or even treading water, desperate to swim... even though the waters that I swim in are vastly different  than what I had always thought they would be.

And when I start drowning again...

                                                      would someone(s) please throw me a life line? 
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3 comments:

  1. AlyssaJoyJanuary 4, 2011 at 12:36 AM

    Sadie, you articulated your situation with beauty and clarity here. I'm so sorry you're struggling, but I'm glad you've been able to feelings this way.

    Sometimes, when I see post you've written, I realize that if I only knew you in that context, I would not see you for who your truly are, and I'll wish that others could see you the way I do rather than assuming you are merely seeing attention and making excuses for yourself. You absolutely do have the issues and limitations you mention--they're not just an excuse--but remember what Jesus says: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Perhaps God's plan for your life doesn't involve traveling your to "deepest, darkest Africa," but He HAS a plan for you, Sadie, ad it is beautiful. Remember, too, that "blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. I feel that God is bringing these verses to my mind specifically so I can share them with you. He is saying these things to YOU, Sadie. You are NOT a lost cause! There is so much hope for you.

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  2. Derek KnightJanuary 4, 2011 at 11:10 AM

    Sadie, I've been reading your blog. I really feel for you; for all the pain you've gone through and are still going through, for the loss you have experienced, for the disappointments you've had in other believers and for the difficulties in trusting God when it's too dark to see the path ahead of you. This is no easy road you've been given to travel on. But I firmly believe that the Lord guides our steps and that He doesn't give us more than we can handle. Take comfort that others probably could not have coped as well as you have with all you've gone through.
    But take heart and don't give up! Keep trusting in your savior when its dark and you can't even see Him. Keep reading His word and placing your faith in His promises. Keep your heart bared to Him and don't place your faith in people, as we will always let you down, but in a loving God who is steadfast and never fails. Alyssa was right on: His Grace is sufficient for you.

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